2 old men at the beach -- episode 1

Long time, no see

HANK: So how was your trip?

EMIL: I was in the hospital.

HANK: I thought you went east to see your daughter.

EMIL: I never made it.

HANK: In the hospital here?

EMIL: Right.

HANK: And didn't even call me!

EMIL: For what?

HANK: To visit, asshole.

EMIL: I was depressed enough. I didn't need you to tell me how shitty I looked.

HANK: That's what friends are for. So what was it?

EMIL: I thought I was gone. Passed out. Woke up in the hospital.

HANK: Heart attack?

EMIL: I don't want to talk about it. But I think my days are numbered.

HANK: All our days are numbered.

EMIL: Small numbers, in my case.

HANK: Why do you say that?

EMIL: Listen, I'm running late. We'll talk later.

HANK: Jesus, Emil ... Emil! ... Asshole.

The news

HANK. Holy Christ, the news is depressing.

EMIL. Why are you watching it?

HANK. I probably shouldn't. But how else do I fill the day? My knee is still screwed up. I can barely walk to take a leak.

EMIL. Read a book.

HANK. I do that, too. Maybe I'm a masochist. I keep turning on the tube.

EMIL. You shoulda been born in the 18th century. Lincoln gets shot and, living west, you find out a week later.

HANK. That would be something.

EMIL. Saner, if you ask me. Maybe there should be a law. The news is held for a week before becoming public.

HANK. Sounds sinister.

EMIL. You may be right. Only answer is to keep the tube off.

HANK. Easier said than done.

EMIL. You got a VCR?

HANK. DVD player.

EMIL. Rent some porno.

HANK. I already do.

EMIL. And you're watching the news? Where are your priorities?

HANK. Porno depresses me, too.

EMIL. Rent some silent comedies.

HANK. Hadn't thought of that.

EMIL. Works for me. The more silence the better.

Religion

EMIL: No institution has been responsible for more human misery and suffering than institutionalized religion.

HANK: Hard to argue with that.

EMIL: Merry Christmas anyway.

HANK: You, too, old-timer. And a Happy New Year.

EMIL: If I last that long.

Thanksgiving

HANK. What are you thankful for, old man?

EMIL. Exactly that. Being an old man.

HANK. Don't wish you were younger?

EMIL. Hell no! The world is going down, and I'm not a masochist. I'll be happy not to have to watch,

HANK. Always the cynic.

EMIL. The realist. Look, even if we don't do ourselves in, Mother Nature will take care of it for us. Nature wins. Period and always. And there's no way we're going to get ourselves together and save the planet from climatic disaster. No way. Politicians will be arguing issues that are pretty much settled in the scientific community till the literal dooms day.

HANK. Thornton Wilder says we always get by "by the skin of our teeth."

EMIL. Not this time.

HANK. You actually don't sound very upset by all this.

EMIL. Only because I won't be here to suffer. Sure, it's terrible. But hey, I had a blessed life. I was born just at the right time. Before Pearl Harbor, so I understand the experience of my parents. I came of age after Korea and before Vietnam, so I missed direct experience of war. I was a teenager at the birth of rock and roll! Hey, that's an incredible fine luck of the draw. I have no complaints, personally. But it's sad, very sad, to see it all coming to an end this way. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I just try to live each day as well as I can. And every day, every single day, I count my blessings and thank the gods for not being any younger than I am. I want to witness as little of the future as possible.

HANK. I'm not sure what to say. Your words describe horror and yet you do sound, well, happy and blessed.

EMIL. Because I am! That's my thanks on Thanksgiving. For being an old fart who doesn't have to hang around for a very bad future.

HANK. Thanks for cheering up my day.

EMIL. You should be thankful yourself. You're almost as old as I am.

HANK. You're an odd one, Emil.

EMIL. Thank you. That may be the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Waiting for the bus

HANK. I ran into your sister. She's worried about you.

EMIL. Kay worries about everyone. And everything.

HANK. She said every time she asks how you're doing, you say "Just waiting for the bus." It really upsets her.

EMIL. Yeah, the truth has always upset her.

HANK. She thinks you're hiding something. She even asked me if you had cancer.

EMIL. You think I'm hiding something?

HANK. No. But it's rather a metaphoric reply, don't you think?

EMIL. Waiting for the bus? I think it's exactly how I feel.

HANK. A bit dark.

EMIL. Dark how? Did I say I'm anxious for it to arrive? Or pissed that it's late? No. I'm just waiting for it. It's reality 101.

HANK. Does sound a little like a death wish.

EMIL. Hey, I'm tired, okay? I'm an old man, I have a right to be tired. When the bus arrives, it arrives. I have no control over that. I'm just waiting for it -- and, I might add, trying to have a good time while I am.

HANK. You should tell your sister you're having a good time.

EMIL. Then she'd think I was drinking or chasing women and get on my case about that.

HANK. She's just worried about you.

EMIL. And I tell her I'm waiting for the bus. I smile when I say it, by the way.

HANK. I think you like upsetting her. Do you?

EMIL. I'm taking the fifth, old buddy.

Dumbing down

HANK: Sarah Palin has crowds camping in the snow to be near the front of the line at her book tour.

EMIL: Where is H. L. Mencken when we need him? "No one ever went broke under-estimating the intelligence of the American people."

HANK: What's her appeal?

EMIL: Unfortunately I think people see themselves in her.

HANK: You sound like an elitist.

EMIL: I am, with regard to many professions. I don't want my neighbor performing brain surgery and I don't want her in the White House.

HANK: I don't think she has a chance to be elected.

EMIL: And I no longer have the faith it takes to agree with you.