Emil & Hank Have Coffee

2 old men at the beach -- episode 1

2010-05-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Long time, no see

2010-04-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

HANK: So how was your trip?

EMIL: I was in the hospital.

HANK: I thought you went east to see your daughter.

EMIL: I never made it.

HANK: In the hospital here?

EMIL: Right.

HANK: And didn't even call me!

EMIL: For what?

HANK: To visit, asshole.

EMIL: I was depressed enough. I didn't need you to tell me how shitty I looked.

HANK: That's what friends are for. So what was it?

EMIL: I thought I was gone. Passed out. Woke up in the hospital.

HANK: Heart attack?

EMIL: I don't want to talk about it. But I think my days are numbered.

HANK: All our days are numbered.

EMIL: Small numbers, in my case.

HANK: Why do you say that?

EMIL: Listen, I'm running late. We'll talk later.

HANK: Jesus, Emil ... Emil! ... Asshole.

The news

2010-01-19T13:21:00.000-08:00

HANK. Holy Christ, the news is depressing.

EMIL. Why are you watching it?

HANK. I probably shouldn't. But how else do I fill the day? My knee is still screwed up. I can barely walk to take a leak.

EMIL. Read a book.

HANK. I do that, too. Maybe I'm a masochist. I keep turning on the tube.

EMIL. You shoulda been born in the 18th century. Lincoln gets shot and, living west, you find out a week later.

HANK. That would be something.

EMIL. Saner, if you ask me. Maybe there should be a law. The news is held for a week before becoming public.

HANK. Sounds sinister.

EMIL. You may be right. Only answer is to keep the tube off.

HANK. Easier said than done.

EMIL. You got a VCR?

HANK. DVD player.

EMIL. Rent some porno.

HANK. I already do.

EMIL. And you're watching the news? Where are your priorities?

HANK. Porno depresses me, too.

EMIL. Rent some silent comedies.

HANK. Hadn't thought of that.

EMIL. Works for me. The more silence the better.

Religion

2009-12-20T12:01:00.000-08:00

EMIL: No institution has been responsible for more human misery and suffering than institutionalized religion.

HANK: Hard to argue with that.

EMIL: Merry Christmas anyway.

HANK: You, too, old-timer. And a Happy New Year.

EMIL: If I last that long.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

HANK. What are you thankful for, old man?

EMIL. Exactly that. Being an old man.

HANK. Don't wish you were younger?

EMIL. Hell no! The world is going down, and I'm not a masochist. I'll be happy not to have to watch,

HANK. Always the cynic.

EMIL. The realist. Look, even if we don't do ourselves in, Mother Nature will take care of it for us. Nature wins. Period and always. And there's no way we're going to get ourselves together and save the planet from climatic disaster. No way. Politicians will be arguing issues that are pretty much settled in the scientific community till the literal dooms day.

HANK. Thornton Wilder says we always get by "by the skin of our teeth."

EMIL. Not this time.

HANK. You actually don't sound very upset by all this.

EMIL. Only because I won't be here to suffer. Sure, it's terrible. But hey, I had a blessed life. I was born just at the right time. Before Pearl Harbor, so I understand the experience of my parents. I came of age after Korea and before Vietnam, so I missed direct experience of war. I was a teenager at the birth of rock and roll! Hey, that's an incredible fine luck of the draw. I have no complaints, personally. But it's sad, very sad, to see it all coming to an end this way. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I just try to live each day as well as I can. And every day, every single day, I count my blessings and thank the gods for not being any younger than I am. I want to witness as little of the future as possible.

HANK. I'm not sure what to say. Your words describe horror and yet you do sound, well, happy and blessed.

EMIL. Because I am! That's my thanks on Thanksgiving. For being an old fart who doesn't have to hang around for a very bad future.

HANK. Thanks for cheering up my day.

EMIL. You should be thankful yourself. You're almost as old as I am.

HANK. You're an odd one, Emil.

EMIL. Thank you. That may be the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Waiting for the bus

2009-11-20T11:42:00.000-08:00

HANK. I ran into your sister. She's worried about you.

EMIL. Kay worries about everyone. And everything.

HANK. She said every time she asks how you're doing, you say "Just waiting for the bus." It really upsets her.

EMIL. Yeah, the truth has always upset her.

HANK. She thinks you're hiding something. She even asked me if you had cancer.

EMIL. You think I'm hiding something?

HANK. No. But it's rather a metaphoric reply, don't you think?

EMIL. Waiting for the bus? I think it's exactly how I feel.

HANK. A bit dark.

EMIL. Dark how? Did I say I'm anxious for it to arrive? Or pissed that it's late? No. I'm just waiting for it. It's reality 101.

HANK. Does sound a little like a death wish.

EMIL. Hey, I'm tired, okay? I'm an old man, I have a right to be tired. When the bus arrives, it arrives. I have no control over that. I'm just waiting for it -- and, I might add, trying to have a good time while I am.

HANK. You should tell your sister you're having a good time.

EMIL. Then she'd think I was drinking or chasing women and get on my case about that.

HANK. She's just worried about you.

EMIL. And I tell her I'm waiting for the bus. I smile when I say it, by the way.

HANK. I think you like upsetting her. Do you?

EMIL. I'm taking the fifth, old buddy.

Dumbing down

2009-11-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

HANK: Sarah Palin has crowds camping in the snow to be near the front of the line at her book tour.

EMIL: Where is H. L. Mencken when we need him? "No one ever went broke under-estimating the intelligence of the American people."

HANK: What's her appeal?

EMIL: Unfortunately I think people see themselves in her.

HANK: You sound like an elitist.

EMIL: I am, with regard to many professions. I don't want my neighbor performing brain surgery and I don't want her in the White House.

HANK: I don't think she has a chance to be elected.

EMIL: And I no longer have the faith it takes to agree with you.

Pundits

2009-11-08T06:34:00.000-08:00

HANK. Do you always listen to the game with the sound off?

EMIL. Mostly. Who needs to listen to those jerks?

HANK. I used to like listening to Madden.

EMIL. He's few and far between. These other guys either state the obvious or display their ignorance. But the main thing is, they never shut up. Talk talk talk. I swear, noise pollution in this country is as serious as global warming.

HANK. I hear you there.

EMIL. So why don't we shut up and watch the game?

Buffoons

2009-10-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

HANK. Have there ever been more buffoons on radio and TV?

EMIL. Never.

HANK. Frightens the hell out of me.

EMIL. Something frightens me more.

HANK. What?

EMIL. Their audiences. There have always been buffoons. You used to find them in the park, an eccentric amusement who gathered a passing, small crowd at best. Ranting and raving -- and making us all smile. No one took them seriously.

HANK. Sure different today.

EMIL. Indeed. What is troubling is how many listen to them. Christ, one could have been elected vice president! But remember, the problem is far worse than the buffoons. The problem is that lots of folks actually respond to them.

HANK. Boy is that depressing.

EMIL. It's what happens when your educational system collapses. It's what happens when folks read the Bible and the Koran and all the rest literally. It's what happens when basic, common, scientific knowledge is not commonplace.

HANK. Jesus.

EMIL. But there's one sign of hope.

HANK. What's that?

EMIL. I'm not any younger than I am. I don't have to put up with all this shit much longer. Neither do you.

HANK. I'll drink to that. More coffee?

EMIL. Please.

Unskilled millionaires

2009-10-14T02:17:00.000-07:00

HANK. Have you ever seen so much bad base running as in the playoffs?

EMIL. Disgusting. Embarrassing. These clowns get paid millions of dollars and can't do what any well-coached high school player can do: use your head running the bases. It's symptomatic, of course.

HANK. Of what?

EMIL. The deterioration of sports. All the basic skills are being lost. Bunting and base running. Tackling in football. Free throws in basketball. We've created a collection of unskilled millionaires.

HANK. Why did this happen?

EMIL. Part of the trend away from the team concept to ego-centered sports. I mean, look at the superstars of old. Did they have "personality"? Were they on talk shows every time you turned around? Did Hugh McElhenny, Alan Ameche, Joe Perry have charisma? Who the hell knew? Who the hell cared? They went out and played the game, and played it brilliantly, period. That was their job.

HANK. You're depressing me.

EMIL. If you're not depressed by sports today, you haven't been paying attention.

When is an entire season not an entire season?

2009-10-02T12:01:00.001-07:00

HANK. So the door is open for Oregon running back Blount to rejoin the team and play in November.

EMIL. Doesn't surprise me.

HANK. But the coach said he was banned for the season.

EMIL. But the team is ranked again. Winning is important again. He's their best running back. You do the math.

HANK, So much for principles.

EMIL. Exactly. If this jerk was a third string tackle, think he'd be treated with such "understanding"? He'd've been kicked off the team outright.

HANK. You don't think he deserves a second chance?

EMIL. Hey, he's already had a dozen second chances! This is nothing new with this guy. He's been in counseling for anger so many times he has the rhetoric down pat. He knows exactly what to say to make the coach feel good, to trust him. These guys are skilled at saying the right things because they've learned what the right things to say are by direct experience.

HANK. Man, you're tough on this guy.

EMIL. I'm tough on bullshit. Look, years agoI was in a treatment center for drinking myself. For a whole goddamn year! I know how these institutions work -- and I know how they can be manipulated. I don't trust this kid at all. But it doesn't matter what I think. He'll be reinstated. He'll get millions of dollars to go to the pros. And now and again, he'll still start fights, get fined, apologize, tell us how much he's learned, get reinstated and start the cycle again.

HANK. No chance at all for this guy to get it together?

EMIL. About as much as world peace.

HANK. Wow.

Virus

2009-09-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

EMIL. I finally figured out what the cultural virus is.

HANK. What's that?

EMIL. Advertising. It's at the root of most of what went wrong.

HANK. How so?

EMIL. First, it gives the language the syphilis. Words are rooted in hype and exaggerations and lies and lose meaning. Second, it creates needs where none are needed naturally. Artificial needs. Finally, it creates constant and unresolvable competition. Even with itself, leading to planned obsolescence. There always has to be a newer, better model.

HANK. You've been giving this some thought.

EMIL. How can I not, with all the hype surrounding me? Its root is advertising. We should ban it.

HANK. How would you find out where to buy what you need?

EMIL. Keep the yellow pages. But no ads on TV and radio especially. Ban them across the board as obscene language. It's true. Fuck isn't obscene. Buy now! is obscene.

The Big C

2009-09-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

HANK. You ever think of getting the big C?

EMIL. Does a bear shit in the woods? I'm overdue.

HANK. And if you do?

EMIL. When? I'm not doing treatment, I'll tell you that. I've seen too many times when the cure is worse than the disease. Remember Ger? Remember Dick?

HANK. I hear you. I don't think I'd go for treatment either.

EMIL. Quality of life matters more than quantity.

HANK. So you'd just wait for the end?

EMIL. Maybe help it along. Maybe drink again, get a cabin and a case of Jameson's and contemplate my navel until I put a bag over my head.

HANK. I don't know what the hell I'd do. I wish the gods would just take me in my sleep.

EMIL. The perfect way to go. Next to being in the saddle.

HANK. Fat chance of that.

EMIL. Money can buy anything.

HANK. Spend your last moments with a whore? Interesting idea.

EMIL. Think about it more. It's depressing.

HANK. Maybe we'll get lucky.

EMIL. And maybe not.

The farmer is the man

2009-09-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

HANK. Look at these photos of the palouse I found. God's country.

EMIL. Well, it sure used to be. The Idaho and Washington Palouse, the Great Plains, central California, used to define the soul of this country. Not New York, not Wall Street, like today. But now even farming is a corporate endeavor.

HANK. Still looks like God's country to me.

EMIL. Looks can be deceiving.

HANK. How's the old protest song go? “The farmer is the man who feeds us all.”

EMIL. Once a man of character. Now a corporate pawn. You know what gets me? These ninnies who scream about Big Government don't comprehend that it's Big Business that's taken control of their lives. They can't see the right villain.

HANK. Damn, look at this picture here. Talk about golden fields of grain. Politics be damned, it's still God's country to me.

Obama

2009-09-09T14:59:00.000-07:00

HANK. You gonna watch the president's speech tonight?

EMIL. What for? I know what he's going to say. He's going to say we need change in health care, that it's urgent, that he wants a public option but is open to new ideas, that he hopes a consensus can be reached, and so on. Same o same o.

HANK. No surprises then.

EMIL. No surprises and no backbone. This man is too nice to be an effective president. He tries to keep too many people happy.

HANK. What would you have him do?

EMIL. Say, Looky here, folks, I'm the boss man and the buck stops here and unless you send me a bill with a vigorous public option, I'm going to veto the son of a bitch. It's what over 70% of the American people want, so quit your bickering and deliver what the American people want. It's your job, assholes. Quit lying and quit making up excuses. I want a bill, I want a public option in it, and I want it sooner rather than later.

HANK. Wow. You think any politician would ever give a speech like that?

EMIL. FDR did. All the time. In comparison, Obama is spineless. It's sad. He generated so much hope. And he is a Gigantic Wimp.

A silence.

HANK. I think I may watch it anyway.

Labor Day

2009-09-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

HANK. Happy Labor Day.

EMIL. Labor Day's a fraud.

HANK. In what way?

EMIL. It was foundeed as a distraction to May Day, which is the real workers day.

HANK. For Reds.

EMIL. Well, same difference. You got bosses and you got workers. Their interests are not mutual.

HANK. Never?

EMIL. Unless the workers are also the owners. All you need is bad times to reveal where the bosses stand. Workers are treated like figures in an account book. Take out the eraser and get rid of them.

HANK. You're in a cynical mood today.

EMIL. What do you expect? It's Labor Day.

College football

2009-09-04T23:37:00.000-07:00

EMIL. I know how to fix college football.

HANK. Fix as in ...?

EMIL. Make it more like it used to be before the corporate professional takeover. Today major colleges are just minor leagues for the pros. It's not an amateur sport any more. But I know how to fix that.

HANK. I'm all ears.

EMIL. Get rid of all sports scholarships. It will be amateur again overnight.

A silence.

EMIL. You don't agree?

HANK. I'm thinking, I'm thinking. You know, you may be a genius.

EMIL. Took you fifty years to find that out?

HANK. Of course, this will never happen.

EMIL. Did I say it would happen? I said it would work.

HANK. No sports scholarships. That would amount to no recruiting.

EMIL. You catch on quick.

HANK. College academics would matter more than sports.

EMIL. Oh yes. You'd still have academic scholarships. But no sports scholarships.

HANK. Brilliant. Never happen but brilliant.

EMIL. Nice to know there's a solution, though.

HANK. More coffee?

EMIL. Does a bear ...?

HANK. It is nice to know there's a solution.

Aftermath

2009-09-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

HANK. Suspended for the season is more than I expected.

EMIL. Still not enough. But it doesn't matter. The kid will bolt. Another team will take him or he'll turn pro. He won't hang around for a year.

HANK. You're probably right.

EMIL. What? You agree with me?

HANK. I must be getting old.

Who's in charge?

2009-09-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

EMIL. Nobody ever went broke under-estimating the intelligence of the American public.

HANK. What are you reading?

EMIL. Article about health care, People actually think they have free choice now, and the government's going to take it away. The issue is who do want in control, the government or the insurance companies? At least you can vote the government out.

HANK. Which doesn't necessarily change anything if the real power is somewhere else.

EMIL. Touche.

HANK. We're not American citizens, we're corporate citizens.

EMIL. Thanks for getting the day off to such an optimistic start.

HANK. You brought it up.

EMIL. Well, I have one thing to be optimistic about. I'm not any younger than I am.

HANK. Hear, hear.

EMIL. I can remember when you left your keys in your car.

HANK. Left your door unlocked.

EMIL. A handshake was a man's word.

HANK. Gone but not forgotten.

EMIL. Gone but not forgotten.

A test of leadership

2009-09-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

Note: after losing to Boise State, Oregon's star running back punched out a Boise player.

EMIL. They'll slap his wrists.

HANK. The paper's sports columnist says kick him off the team.

EMIL. Never. It's the right thing to do, sure, but he's the starting running back. He's a Nike investment.

HANK. A poll says 80% want him kicked off the team.

EMIL. So what? What Nike wants matters more. They essentially own the team.

HANK. I wouldn't go that far,

EMIL. I would. College football is big business now, with the same rotten ethics. You wait and see.

HANK. I hope you're wrong. I hope the coach does the right thing and kicks him off the team.

EMIL. Just wait.

HANK. It's depressing if you're right.

EMIL. Quack, quack.

Halftime report

2009-09-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

HANK. I've never seen Oregon play so badly. Never.

EMIL. Curse of the duck feathers. I mean, I thought the puke yellow uniforms were as bad as it could get. Duck feathers on the shoulders? Give me a fucking break. With uniforms like that, they deserve to lose.

HANK. It'd be worse if Boise State wasn't always shooting itself in the foot.

EMIL. Tell me about it. Three and punt four times in a row, then a goddamn safety. Spectacular offensive display. The half should be 28 zip.

HANK. 15 to zip in first downs. Five three and outs total.

EMIL. Quack, quack.

Football

2009-09-03T15:52:00.000-07:00

EMIL. What time is it?

HANK. You're an impatient son of a bitch.

EMIL. Took you 50 years to find this out?

HANK. 3 hrs till kickoff. But the South Carolina game starts in a minute.

EMIL. Isn't Maria playing tennis today?

HANK. Ah, the sweet Maria. Hell with football.

EMIL. You got something vested in the Carolina game?

HANK. I can watch Maria as easily as the next guy.

EMIL. If she's on. But just till the Oregon game.

HANK. You think they'll get revenge tonight?

EMIL. Last year was a fluke. Ugly fluke. I think they'll kill em.

HANK. Might be close.

EMIL. Might be a blow out.

HANK. Want me to change the channel, see if Maria is on?

EMIL. Why not?

HANK. How old is she now?

EMIL. 23 maybe.

HANK. Half a century ago.

EMIL. Only in your flesh, my friend. Your mind is as young as ever.

HANK. People say that but I don't know if it's true. I never used to forget the stuff I forget now.

EMIL. Like what?

HANK. I can't remember.

EMIL. Asshole. Turn on Maria.

HANK. If she's on.

EMIL. If she isn't, we'll watch Carolina till Oregon's on.

HANK. That was easy.

EMIL. What was?

A silence.

EMIL. Asshole.